The Poppi Chronicles

Wesley, like it or not, it is inevitable that at some point in our lives all of us will face the loss of someone or something dear to us.  The grief that comes with such a loss can seem unbearable. But as difficult as it may seem to grasp, the grief you feel is actually the beginning of a healing process.

A psychologist has actually identified five very real and distinct stages of grief all of us go through following a loss.  Here is what she discovered:

1. Denial and Isolation.
   At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and we may pull back from life and those near to us. This stage may last just a few moments, or longer. That someone passed away is sad – and undeniable.  Isolating yourself from those that love you and need your comfort will not bring him back.  Take a moment to grieve for the person and then turn your attention to supporting those that look to you for that support.
2. Anger.
   It is not uncommon to be angry at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if they’re dead), or more often at the world or God, for letting it happen. You may be angry with yourself for letting the event take place, even if nothing you could have done would have stopped it. It is okay to be angry, but only for a short period of time.  Your anger will change nothing.
3. Bargaining.
   Often the pain of grieving leads us to make bargains with God, asking, “If I do this, will you take away the loss?” You know in your heart this can’t happen.  The “bargain” you should be making is to live your life in a manner that would make the deceased proud of you – to be there for their loved ones as they would want you to be.
4. Depression.
   It is normal and natural to feel numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.  The temptation to turn inward is always there – to do what you need to do to take care of yourself.  That is okay, Wesley, but for just a while.  Come to peace with yourself and the loss that death will mean to you, and then do something for the others that are sure to feel as you do.
5. Acceptance.
   At some point the anger, sadness and mourning will go away. You will simply accept the reality of death and move on with your life. I promise you that this will eventually occur.

Sometimes people get stuck in one of the first four stages. Their lives can be painful until they move to the fifth stage, so you should do all that you can to get to the point of accepting what has happened.

During the time that it takes you to come to terms with your sadness, it’s common to have many conflicting feelings. Feeling sorrow, anger, loneliness, sadness, shame, anxiety, and guilt are just a few. Having so many strong feelings can be very stressful, and stress often makes us say and do things we later regret having said or done.  Work hard, Wesley, to manage your way through this and focus on being there for those that need you.

Keep in mind, though, that denying the feelings and not working through the stages of grief is harder on the body and mind than actually going through them. You may hear people suggest that you “look on the bright side,” or find other ways of cutting off difficult feelings; you may feel pressured to hide or deny your emotions. Don’t do that.  If you do, it will just take longer for the healing to take place.

None of us are prepared for grief, because tragedy always has a way of striking suddenly, without warning. But remember that you are very loved by everyone around you and they are all here to help you.  Look deep inside yourself and find the inner strength to take your personal journey through the steps of grieving so that you can lead others that look to you through theirs.